February 20th, 2009

Due to a few different things going on right now, I’ve decided to write a bit about music and my relationship to it. This is the kind of thing that tends to give blogs a bad name. So if you decide to read on, consider yourself forewarned.

This month’s musical excursions have raised a lot of emotions, and given me a lot to consider. I started seriously pursuing music as a vocation as a teenager. I can still remember, as part of a high school exercise where I was asked to envision my life in a few years time. I wrote down that I’d be living in a big city and making a living through music. I hadn’t yet “made it” in this vision, as I was asked to only project forward a few years. I was practical enough to realize that it usually took more than a few years to reach Real Rock Stardom. That didn’t mean that it wasn’t part of the overall plan, though. But despite these big ideas, I never got out of the lousy, little town where I had grown up. I managed to put some bands together, played some shows, had some good times and met some cool people. But it never really amounted to much more than a hobby. Sure, I wanted more out of it. But I had no idea what I was doing. Just sorta floating from day to day. In the back of my mind, however, I was certain that I was destined for Real Success In Music. In hindsight, I can see how delusional I was. Sure, some of it was my own fault. I spent too much time obsessing over music instead of actually living life. I was scared. I guess it’s normal. But, as I stated above, I had no idea what I was doing. It seemed like every time I managed to reach a certain level with one of my bands, the wheels would come off; The bass player would quit; The singer would have a fight with his girlfriend and be too pissed off to come to rehearsal; A piece of equipment would break down and there’d be no money to repair it, etc. Each time something like this would happen, things would get pushed back, to varying degrees. Iin the best case, the band might miss a few weeks of rehearsal. In the worst case, the band would completely implode, and it’d be time to start all over again. It’d be wrong of me to blame all of these problems on my bandmates. I contributed to them, too. I had my heart broken badly back in 2000 and I wasn’t equipped to deal with it. Sure, I did a lot to keep things going with the band I was in. But I was a mess and hardly an asset to the situation.

Getting back to what I typed earlier about not knowing what I was doing. In my post high school life, I didn’t get much direction or advice. Deep down (as evidenced by the results of that high school future-envisioning exercise), I knew that I needed to get away to somewhere where I could really focus on being a musician. But I was too scared to do anything, and no one in my immediate world ever said, “You should move to (insert name of big city here) and really pursue this.” That lack of direction, combined with my delusional thinking was a deadly combination. I carried on in pretty much the same way through the rest of my twenties. I played in bands, had some fun, did what I could. I’m not going to say I was unhappy through all of it. Or even most of it. There were many times when I was genuinely excited to be doing the things I was doing as a musician. But there was always a bit of nagging doubt, making me question if I was doing things right. I had developed a kind of motto early on. I told myself that I would do the music thing until I no longer had the passion for it. That way, if nothing else, when I got old, I could at least say I tried.

I moved to California a few weeks after my 29th birthday. And even though I still wasn’t moving to that prophetic big city, I was finally leaving the quagmire of the places that had weighed me down emotionally for so long. I had every intention of throwing myself back into the music just as soon as Jen and I had settled into our own place. Of course, life got in the way of those plans, and I was pretty much in a place where I couldn’t deal with life. I withdrew, and I pushed those plans for music far, far away. Thankfully, over the last year, I’ve been doing some real work on getting my life back in order. And I feel better now than I have in a long time. And I’ve spent more time working on music during this month than I have in a long time. And that brings me to the real reason for creating this entry. What do I want to get out of music at this point in my life? I really can’t say for sure. I feel like I’d still love to figure out a way to make a living at it. I’ve realized, after doing this again, how much joy it brings me. And that’s important. But I’m closing in on 33 years of age. I’ve arguably spent half of my life doing this without any real return. I mean, joy is pretty awesome. But it doesn’t exactly pay the bills. I’ve considered getting some further training on guitar and really improving my skill with the instrument as well as learning about music theory. For a day and a half back in early 2007, I had an internship at a local recording studio, and I’d like to try and get that back. If I do these things, it may give me the tools to find ways into other kind of music-related gigs. After all, recording studios charge for their time, and if I had a better idea on how to really compose music, there’s always things like soundtrack/commercial music projects out there. Granted, these options don’t offer much more in the way of stability than trying to succeed through the writing/performance of my own music. But it’s an option.

I think it’s also important to consider the other side of the coin. That being, if music = the opposite of stability, then what can I do that’s traditionally considered to be stable? A quick inventory of my skills and work history doesn’t point to much. I went to school for broadcasting, and learned the harsh realities of that industry very early on. Not much stability there. I really like technology, and I’m pretty good with it. But I have no qualifications. I could always go to school and get some kind of computer science degree or something. But, then what? Go get a job working tech support for Dell? Those jobs have all been sent overseas. And besides, I like to use computers to do creative things. I don’t want to spend all of my time removing adware/spyware from your grandma’s hard drive. I also like cooking and I’d love to learn more about the science of food preparation. I don’t know that it’s something I could do for a living, though.

Also, what does “stability” even mean? I’ve got a job now. I make enough money to get by (and that’s about all). No reason why I can’t continue to do what I’m doing now and pursue music on the side. I’m lucky that my day job doesn’t drain me of the will to live. I’ve still got plenty of energy to do what I want in my off hours. Technically, I have stability. I’d just like to make more money than I do now, and more importantly, do it while doing something I really love.

There’s also the psychological/emotional aspect to consider. To succeed in music would be great for the ego, and it’d help to sort out some of the emotions that I’ve been dealing with since I was a teenager. So I guess that really leads to the ultimate question: How does one succeed at a vocation that’s notoriously difficult to succeed at? If I knew the answer to that question, I would’ve never had to have typed this in the first place. Regardless, I think I’ll leave my thoughts on that subject for another time. This entry’s long enough as it is.

Tags: life, music
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